Burger Day 2.0: An Impressively Stupid Idea; A Fantastic Experience

On Friday March 19, Greg Nice was in town visiting his parents in Evanston. I’d been meaning to check out Edzo’s so I suggested we meet there for a burger. We did and it was delicious. When we were done, Greg called his high school chum Stooooone who reported that he had a few coupons for free burgers at M Burger that were expiring that day, so we hopped on the train and headed downtown. M Burger was a little disappointing, so much so that I decided not to review it for A Hamburger Today. Once we were done there, we decided it would be fun to go eat a third burger. So after a break of a few hours, we met up at Bad Apple for some burgers that were so good that I returned less than two weeks later.

It was an exceptional day and we officially declared it to have been Burger Day. It was so good that by the time I emailed them some pictures of the experience two days later, I referred to the day as Burger Day I. See, we had already decided that Burger Day II was a question of when, not if.

Burger Day II started to become a when once Greg Nice suggested a second burger day in an instant message in early June, proposing another round of three burgers, but with shakes at each stop. I was immediately on board but in a classic game of male one-upmanship, I took Greg Nice’s suggestion that we do 3 burger joints and said we should do 6 and eat half a burger at each. Stooooone then declared it should be six whole burgers. Not willing to be outeaten by a guy I’ve got 40+ pounds on, I agreed.

After weeks of planning, we settled on a 6-burger itinerary that would take us throughout Chicago and fill our bellies with glorious ground beef. Greg Nice’s plan was still to eat half burgers at each place, but Stone and I explained that that would be ridiculous as it would just mean eating 3 burgers, same as last time.

Because the event we’d created was so awesome, we decided we had to share the since renamed Burger Day 2.0. Greg Nice recruited his brother-in-law Dr. Josh, and a fifth person, Young Joe, graciously invited himself after hearing of the epic event and was welcomed with open arms. Other invites were sent out, but shockingly there were people who thought it did not sound like a fun day.

After weeks of group emails and steadily building anticipation, the day was finally upon us yesterday, August 5, 2010. We’d made a couple of last minute changes to the itinerary due to a remodeling at 160 Blue and a vacation at Edzo’s, but we still entered the day with a beautifully conceived plan for Burger Day 2.0: Moody’s Pub in Edgewater, David Burke’s Primehouse in River North, Top Notch Beefburgers in Beverly, a break for Watermelon at Baylor’s, a second break at McDonald’s for irony, Duchamp in Wicker Park, Flub a Dub Chubs in Lakeview, and Sola in North Center.

Greg Nice and Dr. Josh were late (not the last time they would fail to pull their weight) and we ordered our first burgers at Moody’s Pub at 11:50 AM.

We started the day incredibly upbeat. Four of us had eaten nothing that morning (Dr. Josh ate some healthy food) and we were pumped and ready to go. We all ordered full burgers and our half pound patties arrived shortly thereafter.

Nothing about the Moody Blue Burger was particularly good. The beef was a pre-formed frozen patty of a quality that was far from high, the bun was too dry, and the blue cheese was both unimpressive and entirely dominated everything. When I isolated a little beef just to try it, it had remarkably little flavor. Oh, by the way, see those fries? They look perfect, but they had neither crispness nor any potato flavor at all. We also tried a pitcher of sangria, which Young Joe properly described as tasting like church wine. Perfectly fine for getting drunk, but not good for enjoying on Burger Day 2.0.

On the bright side, mine was grilled to rare perfection. Had I known the quality of meat I was getting, I might not have been so bold with rare, but whatevs. As I said there, if any of us got food poisoning that day, we would have no way of knowing who was at fault. Regardless of the weak start, we were all still pumped; we laughed at how little the half pound burger filled us up. Stooooone and Young Joe earned extra points for eating more than a few of their fries. We were such a cocky bunch.

We took our 1-day CTA passes (sweet, sweet deal at $5.75 each) and hopped on the Red Line at Thorndale to head to Primehouse, the home of my favorite burger. I had previously suggested that Stooooone, Young Joe and I split two burgers since I knew they were pretty heavy thanks to the dry aging taking out a lot of the moisture. (See, all half pounds are not created equal. The ones with a lot of juice in them are a lot easier to take in than the ones without). They rejected my proposal and I was fine with that. Greg Nice tried to get Dr. Josh to split one with him, but the good doctor told him to man up.

Like everyone who enters David Burke’s Primehouse, we were each given an incredible cheesy popover to start our meal. I knew I shouldn’t have any of it, but I couldn’t resist eating half of it.

The burger was sensational. For those unaware, these 40-day dry aged beauties come with fried shallots and spinach and are served on a toasted potato roll with bacon mayo. They are rich, well-balanced, and pretty much the epitome of what ground beef can become.

The one flaw with Primehouse is that they seem to often miss on temperature, which really seems like it shouldn’t happen at a freaking steakhouse. Of the five, they overcooked 3 of them. Fortunately, mine was not one of them as rare was absolutely nailed. As usual, the burger was just phenomenal. My thoughts are unchanged from when I wrote this.

The fries, which Young Joe correctly guessed are not cut in-house, are exceptional. Swimming in a bath of asiago cheese and truffle oil, they were almost impossible to resist. But I was a man on a mission and I stopped after only a few.

After lunch, the manager graciously accepted our request to see the room where they age the meat. I’d been in there once before and it is still my idea of heaven. As an added bonus, we saw some dudes cutting up some steaks. See, every burger at Primehouse is a descendant of the restaurant’s $250,000 bull. They get side of beef shipped in and they cut them up and stick them in the aging room. When the large cuts of meat are properly aged, they cut them up as seen above.

What’s that? You want to see some pics of the aging room? The infamous lair of dry aging beef resting comfortably in a mildly chilled room with walls lined with Himalayan salt? Here you go:

Yes, that was as awesome as it looks.

Anyhow, we headed out of David Burke’s, got back on the Red Line, and headed south to the end of the line.

Once we got to 95th Street, we hopped on the 95W bus and headed west a couple of miles to the home of possibly the best thin burger in all of Chicagoland: Top Notch Beefburger.

Greg Nice and Dr. Josh had struggled a bit at the end of David Burke’s but after the long break, I thought they were in pretty good shape. I knew I was feeling good and Stooooone and Young Joe seemed the same.

I tore into my quarter pound burger, which seemed like next to nothing after the previous two. It was outstanding – Top Notch makes their burgers from the very fatty leg of the cow. After I was about halfway through, I hit a little bit of a wall. I ignored it and kept going but it was enough to raise some doubts.

Quite possibly better than the burgers at Top Notch are their shakes. I went with Oreo and I inhaled it; so, so good. Beyond being delicious, the shake gave me a much-needed sugar rush.

We asked our server if we could see them do some butchering, a request she found even more strange than our plan to eat 6 burgers that day. She checked anyhow and reported back that we had just missed our chance to see them in action. Disappointing, but that just leaves something for the next trip down there.

After leaving Top Notch, a clear separation began to develop between the men (Stoooone, Young Joe and I) and the boys (Greg Nice and Dr. Josh). The doctor was clearly hurting, but Greg Nice actually slept on the train ride back north. This was not dozing off – the kid was freaking unconscious. In his defense, he had flown in from LA the late the night before so he was not as well-rested as the rest of us.

Detailed readers might notice that we did not stop at Baylor’s, the legendary watermelon purveyor that makes its permanent home at 101st and Halsted. Given the unreliability of buses and/or 12-block round-trip very long walk a trip to Baylor’s, it would have added at least 45 minutes onto our journey. It was already 5:00 and we still had a lot of work to do, so fresh Mississippi melons would have to wait for another day. We still wanted something healthy and refreshing, so we hopped off the Red Line at Roosevelt and went to Jewel for some fruit and Starbuck’s for a much needed pick-me-up. From there we jumped on the Green Line for a short trip into the Loop.

Pictured above is the gorgeous ceiling at the Palmer House, a lovely downtown hotel that unwittingly lent a hand to some very full hamburger eaters by not closely monitoring their facilities.

Before Burger Day 2.0, I hadn’t eaten at McDonald’s since November or December of 2001. Up until then, I probably averaged McDonald’s 3 times a month or more for quite some time. After reading Fast Food Nation, I decided to cut out most fast food for a few reasons. I was most disturbed by the treatment of workers, but the food safety issues and my own health were also factors. I still eat the occasional White Castle because it’s awesome, and I’ll sometimes check out regional fast food when I travel, but cutting that crap out for the most part is an idea I still think is a good one. But when Stooooone suggested we include a stop at McDonald’s as we planned Burger Day 2.0, I jumped at the idea.

Greg Nice and Dr. Josh decided to embrace their failure by skipping McDonald’s and agreeing to split burgers for the rest of the day. At that point, they were formally placed in Tier 2 of Burger Day 2.0 participants. Stooooone and I split a double cheeseburger while Young Joe began to separate himself from the pack by eating one himself. My initial plan was for Stone and I to split a regular cheeseburger, but when I realized that the double is actually cheaper, I changed my order. It took three employees a good five minutes to figure out to just give me back 32 cents and give me the other burger. I felt bad for making them do the extra thinking, but I was not about to let McDonald’s screw me my first time there in almost a decade.

The meat was clearly not up to snuff, but the overall flavor of the thing was surprisingly good. The mad scientists working in the Oak Brook headquarters clearly know what they are doing when it comes to making an appealing burger-type sandwich. Unfortunately, they haven’t figured out how to make one without a revolting aftertaste. Fortunately, Stooooone had brought a large bottle of mouthwash with and we were able to move on from McDonald’s.

At this time, the Planning Committee (Stooooone and I) met and called an audible. We were excited about Duchamp, but we knew their massive burger with its havarti cheese and tomato remoulade would destroy us. Also, it was a little far out of the way given the planned 5th stop. To save time and, I thought, stomach space, I suggested we go to the not quite as far out of the way J. Wellington’s, a relatively new spot in Wicker Park.

It’s not as big as the Duchamp Burger, but The Wellington is a 7 ounce patty topped with cheddar cheese, applewood smoked bacon, fried onions and the J. Wellington Sauce. I was well past full at this point, so it’s unfair to judge the quality. But with my bloated stomach and overworked taste buds, I thought the sauce completely overpowered the burger. More of a vinegar-heavy barbecue sauce than anything else, I was not a fan. Once I removed the massive pool of sauce (and the onions that soaked it up) from the burger, it was very enjoyable given the state of my belly.

A couple of other unphotographed notes from J. Wellington’s. First, Young Joe put himself all alone in Tier 1 by ordering some fries and eating about half of them. Stooooone and I dropped to Tier 2, Dr. Josh dropped to Tier 3, and Greg Nice, who by now had offered 4 or 5 different reasons to end Burger Day 2.0 (“it’s going to rain, we should stop”), plummeted to an unnumbered tier somewhere around vegetarian. But Greg Nice did have the good sense to order a vanilla shake at J. Wellington’s. He drank about half of it and could eat no more. I finished it for him and it was really, really good. Not Top Notch good, but still pretty excellent.

To save time and boost morale, the Planning Committee decided we should all take a cab to our next stop in Lakeview. We got out a few blocks from our destination so we could walk a little pain away. And then we decided to go grab a drink at Monsignor Murphy’s before getting the next burger. We were sitting outside enjoying our beverages when I realized it was 8:45 and Flub a Dub Chubs (which was next door) closes at 9:00. Had we missed that, I suspect it might have ended Burger Day. In retrospect, that probably would have been a good thing.

There were two things wrong with the pre-formed patty at Flub a Dub Chubs. First, it was half a pound at a time when I wanted much less. Second, and much more problematic, was that it had the densest pretzel bun I’ve ever encountered. It took a lot of work and a couple of drinks, but I got it down. Of course, that was long after Young Joe had finished.

Stooooone was in severe pain at this point. He made it through his burger but only ate about a quarter of his top bun. He was close to being a broken man. After we got up from there, Tier 1 and Tier 3 decided to have a race. Young Joe can eat more than anyone I know, but the kid can’t run very fast. The meat domination made him cocky. Dr. Josh beat Young Joe and Greg Nice pretty easily, earning $5 from each of the losers for his efforts.

Our original plan for a 6th stop was Sola, which only sells their burger at lunch and on Thursday nights, which was part of the reason we planned this for a Thursday). We had called earlier and learned they were soft closing their kitchen around 8:15 that night so we knew that was out. Stooooone and I then struggled to come up with a respectable option that would be as small as possible. We called DMK, which is two blocks away, but they were eliminated when they told me their patties are 6 ounces.

I then suggested Tiny Lounge, which had been in the running for 6th spot originally. Stooooone had gone there a week or so before and declared it not up to snuff. But they were mini-burgers and we couldn’t taste anything at that point, so we headed off to Tiny Lounge.

On the way to the Brown Line, we stopped at Kinko’s so I could print out my Tiny Lounge Groupon. Dr. Josh and I also relieved some tension in our stomachs for the second time that day. Young Joe, who is an absolute machine, took care of #4; the kid is amazing. Stooooone charged his cell phone.

So I think Stooooone was meat-drunk at this point in the night. Because when the discussion turned to going to Tiny Lounge, he definitely left us with the impression that these were, albeit not sliders, pretty small. I suppose they were small in circumference, but these things were thick. They weighed a third of a pound and were on a pretzel roll.

Young Joe the Machine plowed through his final burger of the day. Dr. Josh and Greg Nice returned to eating whole burgers and finished them rather quickly. So quickly, in fact, that I think they sold themselves short with the two half burgers. They could have completed the mission.

Stooooone and I were in pain. I have no idea what the thing tasted like; all I know is that getting that burger down was, by far, the most difficult food-related thing I’ve done in my life. On the bright side, the drink I had at Tiny Lounge, a Singapore Sling, was sensational.

One bite into my burger at Tiny Lounge and I started sweating. As the meal continued, it got worse. Stooooone quickly gave up on eating the bun and looked a little ill. When I was about 2/3 of the way through my burger, I gave up on the bun as well. It was a pathetic stumble across the finish line, but it would have taken at least another half an hour to eat that bread.

Burger Day 2.0 started out as an absolutely brilliant idea – one of the best I’ve ever had a hand in creating. By the end, it was, in some ways a miserable experience.

After just five hours of sleep, I woke up still uncomfortably full. As I write this after 2:00 in the afternoon, other than a couple of glasses of prune juice that I forced down, nothing has crossed my lips. If I eat anything more than a handful of blueberries the rest of the day, I’ll be shocked.

The obvious question at this point is whether I regret Burger Day 2.0. The answer to that is easy: Hell no. Yes, it was a painful physical experience and might have taken a few months off the end of my life.

But a group of 5 guys, new friends and old, set out on a mission that many declared stupid and/or impossible. We spent over twelve hours together exploring a beautiful city and eating hamburgers. We were insulting each other and laughing when we sat down at Moody’s Pub and were still doing the same thing when we got up to leave Tiny Lounge. It might have been a little painful, but it was a very good day.

Total miles traveled: at least 44
Pounds of beef eaten: varied a little per person; I ate 38 ounces

I’m already looking forward to Burger Day 3.0.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 6th, 2010 at 3:10 pm and is filed under Food. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.